Okay, I get it!

Reading the title of this post you’re probably going to think that this is one of those long, boring rants about how unfair life is or how annoying people are. Well, I hate to break it to you, but you are half right. This IS a long boring rant, but it’s not about how inexplicably and irrevocably unfair life is. It’s a long and possibly boring (I’ll let you be the judge of that) rant about the annoying things people do on Facebook.

Now you may ask, why Facebook? Why not people from your real life? Well, I’m sorry to break this to you but, Facebook IS my life. Really. I’m serious. As serious as a subdural hematoma(Whatever that means. The name is long for one thing and awfully difficult to spell so it’s safe to assume it is a matter of a serious nature).

 

So, it’s just another day, the sun is shining with merciless fervor, the wind had decided to take an unfortunate sabbatical just as the government decided to take away our electricity supply. Just another day in our country. I pull out my phone and log into my Facebook account and what do I see?

I’ll tell you what I see: I see certain idiots (pun intended). Now some of you may want to know more about what I see, if you fall under that category keep reading. If not, this is your cue to scroll up and close the tab in your window.

Okay, seeing that you've not stopped reading this, I’m going to go right ahead and rant like I have never ranted before.

But, before that I would like to state the point I am trying to make here:  People use the internet to promote a cause or publicize their talents and/or business ventures. It is a great medium to gain public attention, for example, amateur/ professional photographers almost always make use of it. But, these days Facebook has morphed into a platform that exhibitionists employ to ostentate and feel good about themselves.

Yeah, so I open my account and the first thing I see is an entire album of photos that feature exotic cars and bikes(I’m assuming they are exotic because I know for a fact that these cars are ridicules expensive for no particular and acceptable reason). Photos with guys wearing shades and posing in front of them, leaning 'sexily' against the hood with this weird contorted look that is supposed to pass for a smolder. I keep scrolling: more cars, more guys, more shades, more expressive gazes, and more coolness that they just lost.

C’mon, guys! So you have one of those exorbitantly priced cars, that doesn’t mean you have to show it off to the entire world.  Honestly, it’s just retarded and your grandiosity comes across as sleaze.Wait, I just scrolled down, you have two, huh? Mmh. Wait, think I saw another one: three. Okay, I’m impressed. Whoa whoa! Hold on, four?!(At this point I’m just thinking about all the fossil fuel you are singularly consuming.)

If this is not annoying enough, there are those people who feel the need post pictures of everything single thing they eat. So you’re eating lasagna or double caramel turtle cake , I get it. You eat fancy food, but that doesn’t mean you have to announce it to the whole world that you ARE eating fancy food. I don’t need to know where you are eating, whose company you are in and when you ate what you ate. One more thing I really don’t need to see are photos of gnawed on chicken bones, ripped ketchup packets and used scrunched tissue. I’m not sure if you’ve ever been told this, but those things are unsightly and definitely not worthy of being posted on the internet.

Photos of money. This is usually money that was earned for the first time or prize money. I even found pictures of someone fanning out the notes for fun! Unless you are a high functioning vigilante with an elevated sense of morality who is trying to lure in robbers to put them to justice, you are not excused.

There are also those degenerates who post photos of all the cameras they own. What reason could one possibly have for posting photos of lens and cameras? Why post those pictures at all when you can post pictures of a crimson sunset or a flock of birds in the twilit sky? Here’s Photography 101 for those who have a severe inability in understanding how the world of talent works: What camera you own and how many lenses you own is not the deciding factor when it comes to good photography.

I’ve also come to notice that we live in a world where selfies and public displays of affection rule. Simply loving and caring for a person is old school, these days you have to SHOW other people that you love and care for a person. It’s becoming so ridiculously mindless that siblings post chores and music suggestion on each other’s Facebook walls! Because going into the other room to ask your brother to listen to a song is just exhausting work. It's too much for the human body to handle. 

There is also this one thing that boggles my mind. It’s your brother’s birthday, why not just hug him and wish him when you see him at home like a normal person? Instead you POST this elaborate maudlin message on his wall with a collage of pictures of you two together. Why don’t you just SAY those maudlin things to him like a normal person does? Honestly, it is so sad when people do it. Really.

Finally, the most outrageous thing that people do of Facebook that just drives me crazy is revealing movie plot points. Just because you watched a movie or a TV show as soon as it came out doesn't mean that you have the moral obligation to reveal important plot points to the dozens of people who haven’t yet watched it. I don't want to know what happens in the new episode of Game of Thrones or The Walking Dead. It’s inconsiderate and sadistic and makes me mad!

So mad that I have to write about it.    

Change

Will change 

Eventually.

Life is a 
Perlude to 
Death.

Warped: The Indian Logic

Logical thinking is what ensured the survival of the human species for all these years but, of late I have come to think that our logic may not be as effective as one might think it is. After some serious thought(and a few weeks spent watching Indian movies and talking with the general public), I have started to think that the logic we Indians follow may not be the same that other people in the world follow. So I've decided to take this opportunity to create a terminology. Behold! ’The Indian Logic’

The 6 o’clock terminal: Anyone who grows up in a traditional Indian household will know this to be a fact. The belief is that social atrocities only happen after 6 o'clock in the evening.  This is when all the deranged night-crawlers come out to plunder, rape and kidnap the innocent and the juvenile. The clock striking 6 signals all the female population to flock back to their houses dropping anything they might be doing at that moment and staying under lock down till the first rays of sunshine hit the earth. Because remember, evil happens only after 6 pm in the evening. 

10th and 12^th STD kids have to be put through emotional trauma to score well in their Boards: These two years of schooling are THE most important years in an individual’s life, or at least that’s what they say. Forget the first time you spoke or the first time you walked on your own or that one time when you saved someone’s life- all that’s immaterial. The Indian logic demands the child to be put through social isolation (this often happens when the child stays back home while the others go out for weddings, family outings and such other things where the parents would explain the child’s absence by saying “He’s in 10^th, no. That’s why he didn't come.” To which the person who is a part of the conversation would nod understandingly), protracted periods of recreation deprivation and absolutely no breathing space. It can also be extended to instances where the television is disconnected, the computer is dismantled and story books are banned till the end of the final exams. 

Let the world know the name of the kids who travel by the car to ensure that kidnappers and stalkers don’t have a tough time doing their thing: Those who have been stuck in countless hours of prime time traffic in the city with your vehicle literally an inch away from the one in the front would be too familiar with this- names in stylized fonts that adorn the rear glass panel of the car. Sometimes, people feel the itching need to publicize their religious inclinations also, which is often manifested as slogans plastered all over the rear glass panel. 

Love ‘happens’ only in co-educational institutions and schools: According to us Indians, love propagates only in places where both the sexes have to be in the company of each other. If someone goes to a college for men or a women’s college, there is absolutely no chance of them ever meeting a member of the opposite sex, hence no sparks of love will ever be afloat. I feel inclined to quote a teacher of mine here, "...Why do you think your parents put you in a women's college? Co-education institutions is where the danger occurs..."  Seriously? SERIOUSLY?!

Going out invariably calls for an unannounced exhibition of all the gold jewelry you own: Be it a wedding, a PTA, a shopping spree or a funeral, one has to deck up. You have to show the expensive jewelry you own to your significant others, random strangers and plotting thieves.  C’mon, lady! Don’t go crying around to the police when you come home one day to find it a mess of broken windows or picked locks and cupboards.

Marriage: Till death do us part. No kidding. : Is your spouse is an alcoholic? Is your spouse is an addict? Is your spouse physically, psychologically and verbally abusing you? Is your spouse not showing you a shred of respect? Is your spouse treating you like shite? All these questions are similar in the sense that they all have the same, singular answer: Learn to adjust and live till one of you dies. Really, divorce is really not an option once you enter an Indian marriage, and even if one DOES get a divorce they are forever branded a pariah who doesn't know how to live and is hence excluded from every social gathering in society.

The more food you force down your guests’ throat, the better host you are: This one is pretty self explanatory. We've all experienced this at some point in time or the other.

The more disrespectfully you push, pull or dash against fellow boarders on a bus or a train, the better your chances of getting a spot: No point explaining this.

Psychology courses train students to become crazy, psychotic individuals who will eventually kill themselves because they thought just too much about the world: Or this.


People study Literature only when they don’t get into other ‘important’ courses: Hmm.

The Rape riddle:

•  Girl gets raped because she was out after 6 pm, not because the people who raped her were vile animals.
•  Girl gets raped because she was wearing ‘provocative’ clothes, which loosely translates to ‘western’ in our context(At this point, I am compelled to point this out: Isn't a saree more revealing than a shirt and jeans? ).
• Girl gets raped because she is a girl.
• Girl gets raped because her parents didn't raise her right.

Engineering and medicine are the only two things that fetch money: Any other course is just a wasteful charade that trains people to become paupers who barely make a living.

Marriage: The medically unproven miracle cure: If a man or a woman is a little loony, marry them off. They will miraculously be cured of their mental condition once they enter the sacred covenant of marriage. 

Kids, yet another magic cure: Along similar lines, if a marriage is not working out, have kids. And, viola! The constantly wailing and pooping bundles of joy will erase all your problems away.

The cause of every problem is the government: Someone got murdered? Someone got robbed? Someone broke the law? You don’t have electricity for 10 hours a day(Okay, maybe this one IS the government’s fault)? Your neighbor is an idiot? You lost your right sock? You don’t have enough water?It’s the government’s fault. It’s the government that voted for itself(or DIDN'T vote for itself). It’s the government that so apathetically sits around all day ignoring all the evils that occur. It’s the government that discriminates, hates and divides. It’s never the common man. The common man is just a helpless toy in the hands of The Government that is forced to break the law, take bribes and vote and is forced to thrive on chaos and lawlessness. 
It’s only apt that I quote H. L Goodall, Jr. here “If our leader say one thing and do quite another, well, is it any surprise that we use the excuse of their fault to cover up our own?”


Think about it.